Welcome to Friday Fudge – a weekly round up of the more 'unusual' motorcycle related stories that are just too silly to post on their own, but raise a much bigger chortle when you slap them all together and take the piss.

It warmed up real good!

"Say, isn't that your chopper, Merle?"

A man using a heating lamp to keep a motorcycle warm ended up explaining himself to the Springfield fire department in Missouri recently after the resulting fire left eight of 16 apartment units "uninhabitable."

The bike owner had placed a heating lamp near his bike and covered it up with a tarp and a carpet — which somewhat predictably caught fire. Since the bike was also parked close to the side of the apartment building, that caught fire, too.

The fire department said the blaze was an accident and no fire codes were violated (?), but that wasn't the first time that a motorcycle fire has occurred at an apartment building in Springfield – in that case, the bike was parked under a stairwell in the breezeway of an apartment complex.

As a result, the Springfield fire department says owners of motorcycles that are likely to catch fire should think of the safety of others. Firestorm owners take note.

Two for the road

I'm ready for muh lesson, m'dear.

A British motorcycle instructor who fell off her bike three times during a lesson was found with two bottles of brandy in her coat pocket, one of them empty.

She had been giving a lesson on March 3 when she dropped her bike in traffic and needed help picking it up.

As if that wasn't enough to send the instructor home for another drink, she dropped it again as she approached some traffic lights, and then again in a roundabout, whereupon she said, "Oi, I've 'urt me leg," according to her student's court testimony.

When police interviewed her later, she told them she needed 'help' (getting up, we suspect), she also had a blood-alcohol level about four times the allowable limit.

As you might expect, she was promptly fired.

Jesse gets his freedom

Yeah, he can do way better.

Custom bike builder and lady's-man Jesse James is finally about to be freed from that dog, Sandra Bullock.

She got her Award and she'd better keep it close, because Oscar is the only man likely to climb into Ms. Bullock's bed any time soon.

And all just because our man Jesse pulled a Tiger with a woman named Michelle while Bullock was making her Academy Award movie.

Word is that Jesse's new friend is one high class lady. So we say good riddance Sandra. You can do better, Jesse! Go, man, go.

Safety thirst ... er, first!

Go on, go get the bottle ...

Signs put up in a town in the eastern Europe country of Romania might have a bit of CMG spirit in them, but you've got to wonder what the drivers are thinking.

The signs show a drunk crawling across the road with the words "Attention - Drunks" and warn drivers, of course, that they should be ready for pretty well anything.

The mayor seems to think the signs are reasonable, and that it was up to the car drivers' to avoid any human speed bumps.

"We are a border town and have lots of cars thundering through here all the time," he said. "But we also have a very vibrant nightlife and the two don't mix. We have to target the drivers because by the time the pedestrians get into this state they are beyond caring," he added.  

Seems like a good new home for a certain motorcycle instructor we know of.

If the foo shits

Organic protest maker.

An irate motorcyclist threw cow dung at the home of Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva of Bankok.

Thankfully he failed to inflict injury upon the PM (or anyone else for that matter) though he did leave a skid mark on the PM's fence (poo, not tires).

It's not just motorcycle riders who appear disenchanted with Vejjajiva, however. Last month another man threw a bag of human waste and fermented fish into the P.M.'s grounds.

If you're thinking of doing something similar in Ottawa, just be aware that you'll need to be heading southbound along Sussex Drive as you'll be tossing with your left hand to keep your right on the throttle. Not that we've given this much thought of course ...

You can never be too thin

Makes good ballet shoes, too.

A material that hardens up when impacted could make better armour for motorcyclists.

A company called D3o produces the "dilitant" substance, which is very flexible when moved slowly, but increases in viscosity when it's hit with something.

D3o's flexible material has been used in snowboarding helmets, and some motorcycle suit manufacturers appear to be using it. The material is distinctively coloured bright orange.

The material has also been used in ski clothing, speed suits (in fact team USA used it in the Olympics), skate gear, ballet shoes, and other applications.

It's flexible under most conditions and thin, so inside a jacket sleeve, for instance, it would be nearly unnoticeable by both wearer and observer. But when struck by something hard, it would increase its viscosity and its ability to absorb force.

The people at Gizmag thought it would be fun to test this material in a real-world situation — by smacking one of their editors with a frying pan (apparently 'Arris is thinking of conducting similar tests on CMG staff who miss deadlines).

Is it any good? Watch and learn.